In the previous blog post, I wrote about a harmful way to have a disagreement. I called it Sowing and reaping cuss words. You might like to read that to prepare for this message on communication during conflict: https://www.jerriebarber.com/cuss-words/
Communication is an important key to good relationships. Communication is the transfer of thoughts and feelings from one person to another.
I read about a man who bought a castle in England. After the auction, the man who bought it prepared to move the castle to his property in America. After it was reconstructed, he had a castle warming.
As people toured, they asked the same question, “How did you get this castle moved from England to America?”
He answered that it was easy. “I hired engineers to number every rock in the castle. We moved all the rocks here. We put all the rocks here in the same relationship to each other as they were in England. You are leaning against stone number 16,329.”
To communicate, we have to express our thoughts and feelings to others.
For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. — 1 Corinthians 2:11
You don’t know what I’m thinking unless I tell you. I don’t know what you’re thinking unless you tell me.
Communication is the transfer of thoughts and feelings from my brain and heart to yours through words and actions — one thought at a time until what I’m thinking and feeling is reconstructed in your brain and heart.
Where there is conflict and disagreement, communication guidelines are helpful.
Notice these five principles for having a good disagreement with those we value and love.
Principal 1: Stop lying and start telling the truth.
Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. — Ephesians 4:25
Fear of disagreement often prompts dishonesty. But God has a better way.
Open rebuke is better Than love carefully concealed.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. — Proverbs 27:5, 6
After being married a short time, Tom would crawl under the covers and mumble something about the way the bed had been made. This hurt Joan’s feelings because she wanted so much to please that she’d get quiet. Dismayed and frustrated, Tom would try to find out what was bothering her. Being afraid of a fight, Joan would lie by replying, “Nothing.”
The sequence occurred frequently. Sometimes Tom would press her about her quietness, and her reply was, “Nothing’s wrong, but there will be if you don’t stop asking me!” This only intensified her lie.
My wife, Gail, was behind a woman checking out in the grocery store. Her little boy was back in the aisle playing with cans of vegetables. His mother told him, “Come on.”
He didn’t move.
She repeated her command, “Come on, it’s time for us to go.” Still no response.
She increased her tone and volume, “If you don’t come on, I’m gonna whip you right here in the store.”
The boy still didn’t obey. She finally led him out of the store.
Why didn’t he come when she threatened to whip him? She had probably lied to him before.
Dishonesty damages – often completely destroys communication.
Jesus has a better way.
Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil. — Matthew 5:37
Principle 2: Keep current.
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. — Ephesians 4:26, 27
Anger not dealt with is anger saved for future use.
There is a tendency to save up irritation and unload it all at once on associates, spouses, children, and pets.
A man came home from work and saw a cake on the table with seven candles on it.
He asked, “Whose birthday is it?”
His wife answered, “The dress I have on! It’s been seven years since I’ve had a new dress.”
We have to deal with our anger each day.
So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison. Truly, I say to you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny. — Matthew 5:23-26
Principle 3: Assault the issue, not the person.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. — Ephesians 4:29, 30
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” — BALONEY!
Husbands call their wives Dopey, Numbskull, and Hardhead.
Parents call their children “mean” and “stupid.”
We need to stick with the action, the issue, and not devalue the person.
But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, “Raca!” shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, “You fool!” shall be in danger of hell fire. — Matthew 5:21, 22
Have you been taught not to call people fools? Have you been told not to say to a brother, Raca?
What does Raca mean?
Three synonyms: dumb, stupid, idiot.
We often make unwise decisions. That doesn’t mean I have a low IQ.
Principle 4: Act, don’t react.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. — Ephesians 4:31. 32
Many people admit they did wrong, but insist the other person did wrong first.
I need to realize that I am responsible for acting the right way, even when I have been hurt.
God in love acted toward us, not reacted toward our sinful behavior.
A man and his friend were walking down the street one morning. The man stopped to buy a newspaper and was nice to the man who had been rude to him.
His friend asked, “Does he always act that way?”
The friend asked, “And why do you treat him nicely?”
The man answered, “I don’t want to give another person the power to tell me how to feel and act each day.”
So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. — Matthew 7:12
Principle 5: Keep the power flowing, be positive and negative.
I’m not a mechanic, but I’ve noticed that a battery has positive and negative terminals. If either is corroded or broken, you have no power in the battery.
In our communication with each other, we need to be both positive and negative.
Verse 25.
Don’t: lie.
Do: tell the truth.
Verses 26, 27.
Don’t: sin, let the sun go down on your wrath, give place to the devil,
Do: be angry.
Verse 28.
Don’t: steal.
Do: labor, give to someone who needs.
Verse 29.
Don’t: use corrupt communication.
Do: speak what is good to the use of building up to give grace to those who hear.
Verses 30-32
Don’t grieve the Holy Spirit.
Do: put away bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, evil speaking, malice. Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving.
Having good relationships in the family is hard work.
A man told about an interesting visit he made.
After calling on a new friend, I parked in her driveway for a few parting words. Noticing a stately evergreen tree in her yard, I told her it was one of the most beautiful trees I had ever seen.
Some years ago, she told me, her marriage had been threatened by boredom and neglect. Her husband had just planted this young spruce. If the tree died, they agreed, they would get a divorce, but if it grew, they would stay together. “You know,” she said, “we caught each other carrying water to that tree.”
All parties have to carry water to the tree.
I am 100% reponsible for my communication to you.
You are 100% responsible for your communication to me.
100% plus 100% = 200%
That means you and I can fail half the time in our communication with each other and still have 100% communication.
Or, as Paul wrote in Romans 12:18:
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Click on the picture or link below to hear the episode on my podcast.
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