A Vaccine for Conflict Virus

A virus that infects a family, church, business, or softball team is gossip.

Gossip is present where there is conflict.

Without wood, a fire goes out; without gossip, quarreling stops. — Proverbs 26:20, GNB

Ask a personal question: “Do I need to eliminate this from my life?”

You know some people who need to work on this.

But you may think, “Surely you don’t mean me.”

That was the reaction of the disciples when Jesus spoke of His betrayer.

When evening came, Jesus arrived with the Twelve. While they were reclining at the table eating, he said, “Truly I tell you, one of you will betray me—one who is eating with me.”
They were saddened, and one by one they said to him, “Surely you don’t mean me?” — Mark 14:17-19, NIV

Even though they thought it wouldn’t be one of them, before the night was over, one would betray Jesus, one would deny Jesus three times, and all would forsake him when he was arrested.

If I have a problem with this, how can I deal with it?

If I am in Christ and Jesus is in me, I bear fruit.

I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. — John 15:5, 6

The fruit every Christian should bear is the fruit of the Spirit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22, 23

James says, “But no man can tame the tongue.” —James 3:8

We can’t tame the tongue, but we can train the tongue with the Spirit’s help in self-control. This is one of the advantages of fasting. After going without food for one or two days, I began to ask, “What other things I could do if I followed through on my decision rather than what felt best”?

Let’s keep this in mind as we explore the problem of gossip.

What is gossip?

Gossip is the sharing of information about someone—when they are not present—that is not yours to share. It usually involves personal details, private matters, or unverified stories.

A few key traits often mark gossip:

• It’s about others rather than ourselves.
• It’s behind their back—the person being discussed isn’t present.
• It may be harmful—the information can damage reputations, relationships, or trust.
• It is unnecessary—the information isn’t shared to help but to entertain, criticize, or elevate oneself.
• It may be unverified—sometimes true, sometimes half-true, sometimes entirely false.

Some people distinguish between sharing news (constructive, with permission, or for a good purpose) and gossip (idle, careless, or harmful talk).

Where Do Christians Learn to Gossip?

When you find conflict in a group, someone’s spreading gossip. They think they’re doing the right thing.

Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the heart. — Proverbs 21:2

“Well, it’s the truth. Somebody needs to be speaking up. If I feel this way, I’m gonna say it. At least I’m honest.”

Rarely do people come up with an original idea. My guess is that they’ve heard others gossip and are imitating them.

It might be good to check with the letter P:

Parents. Parents have rules about speaking in their homes. Usually, family rules are unconscious, unspoken, but understood. They’re often learned by imitation rather than instruction. So, if mother and daddy talk about elders, preachers, song leaders, politicians, friends, associates, and others in a derogatory way, it’d be normal for their children to follow their example. “What harm does it do?”

Dear Abby: When I was growing up, my mother and the other ladies in our church were extremely polite to each other. However, when one of them wasn’t present, the others would talk behind her back. They would compliment a woman to her face and criticize her as soon as she walked away.

Mother always defended this behavior as a “harmless” pastime. I don’t know whether it hurt the people who were the butt of gossip, but I know it harmed me and the children who were listening.

Their behavior taught me not to trust anyone — especially people who were nice to my face. Instead, I trusted abusive people because I thought they were being honest. I ended up running with a bad crowd and found myself dating abusive men because I couldn’t trust polite guys.

When someone complimented me, I didn’t believe it, so I never developed self-confidence. I was afraid people were laughing at me behind my back. I had trouble making friends with other girls because I was afraid to open up and reveal my feelings for fear that whatever I said would become grist for the gossip mill.

After a year of therapy, I finally found the self-confidence I lacked. My sisters haven’t been so lucky. Both are married to abusive men.

Abby, please inform your readers that there’s nothing harmless about gossip, especially to children who may overhear it. — Gaining Trust in Georgia (Dear Abby, July 17, 2002, Nashville, Tennessee, page 20).

Preachers. Preachers have been my heroes. But preachers aren’t perfect. If I spend time around a preacher or a group of preachers who constantly discuss other preachers who are unsound, criticizing how ungodly and unfair elders are, and how brethren are mistreating them, it’d be easy to imitate their behavior. After all, they’re “good, sound, faithful, gospel preachers.” Gossiping preachers may teach “the truth” on every issue, except on how to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, and our neighbor as ourselves.

If a person criticizes your child who is Christian, a good response would be, “What did my child say when you talked to him?”. One thing my son resented growing up was a few people “telling on him” when he did something they thought was inappropriate, unwise, or wrong. He said, “Daddy, I’m seventeen years old, 6′ 3″ tall. I’ve been a Christian five years. Why don’t they talk to me first?” Good question. I wish I’d had more wisdom and courage then and asked them to follow Jesus’ instruction.

Pastors, Elders. When elders believe their role is to resolve every issue within the church and address personal problems that aren’t their concern at this time, they may be setting an example of how not to interact with people as Jesus taught. A good response when someone tells you about someone who’s mistreated them and wants you to fix it is, “What did he say when you talked with him?” If the answer is, “I haven’t talked to him,” your response might be, “Jesus told me not to talk to him yet. You go first. If you and he agree I might be helpful, I’ll be glad to assist. You first—me second.”

When elders receive complaints about the preacher without holding members accountable for addressing their concerns to the preacher, they’re bypassing Jesus’ instructions in Matthew 18:15. Jesus didn’t say, “Moreover, if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone—unless he’s the preacher—then the elders can do your work for you.” The best way for the preacher to understand what “a lot of people are upset about” is for a lot of people to go to him, one at a time, and explain it to him in a spirit of love. The volume of information will make an impression, whether it’s about his preaching, attitude, work ethic, or lack of attention to people who need his help.

I have a no anonymous criticism clause in my contract.

All criticism of Jerrie Barber goes directly to Jerrie Barber, and he will welcome it. Jerrie Barber does not accept anonymous criticism.

Jesus didn’t say, “Go and tell him his fault between you and him alone—unless he’s the preacher.”

Have you ever wondered why gossip spreads so easily—and why it’s so hard to stop once it starts?

What if the key to ending conflict in your church, family, or workplace is as simple as refusing to add one more stick of wood to the fire?

Imagine what could happen if every believer took a personal stand to be vaccinated against the gossip virus—starting with you and me.

Reasons People Gossip

It’s easy. It’s easier to talk about somebody than to talk to the person of concern.
Someone else could get the other person straightened out. Gossip is often an invitation for someone to talk to the person(s) who’s bothering me. If that person can fix it, I won’t have to.

It’s exciting. Watching another “get what’s coming to’em” gives people a rush. I may feel better when I can relate how someone else has done more wrong than I have, according to my accounting.

But it’s also a sin.

God said not to do it (Leviticus 19:16; Proverbs 26:20, 21). Mark 16:16 is red in my Bible. Jesus said it. I want to teach people how to be saved. Matthew 18:15-17 is red in my Bible. Jesus tells how to address those who have “missed the mark” with us. I’m to go to the person who sinned. If that doesn’t work, take one or two more. If that doesn’t change him or me, I should involve more people to help.

It helps no one. Everyone gets hurt.
Individuals, churches, businesses, and other groups can’t function well when people address their concerns to the wrong people. Gossip, talebearing, divides churches, alienates family members, and harms businesses.

How do you prevent gossip in yourself and discourage it in others?

Gossip and social media

Here’re some tests for what I communicate on Facebook, X (Twitter), TikTok, or Instagram.

1. Is it true? Ephesians 4:25

Sharing and “liking” posts on Facebook and other platforms without verifying the accuracy is dishonest — spreading gossip.

2. Is it kind? Ephesians 4:15
3. Is it necessary? Matthew 12:35-37
4. Are my motives right? 1 Corinthians 13:1-8

One of my biggest challenges is that love “does not rejoice in iniquity.” I enjoy finding out that people who disagree with me have made big mistakes — at least that’s what I’ve heard!

Do I want to alienate 50% of all who’re on this platform? Do I want to offend them and never have an opportunity to talk with them about Jesus?

Illustration I read:

When I was 12, my best friend and I broke a window playing baseball. We looked around to see If anyone had seen us. No one was in sight except my younger brother. We went over and offered him a piece of candy not to tell. He refused it.
“I’lI give you my baseball,” I said.
“No.”
“Then what about my baseball and my new glove?,” my friend added.
“No!”
“Well, what do you want?”
” I wanna tell.”

Although we know today that secrets are a telltale characteristic of dysfunctional families, we often protect and refuse to expose irresponsible whisperers. Thus many responsible people, by not facing up to the secrecy, participate in another kind of secrecy: secrecy about the secrecy. It’s all very anxious behavior. (How Your Church Family Works, Peter L. Steinke, page 90).

I’ve found, in church after church where I’ve worked on an intervention to stop serious conflict, that people knew who was “carrying wood to the fire.”

It’s so well known that I made text expander snippets, shortcuts on my computer, to write the names of a few people who were carrying wood to the fire. It was generally known throughout the congregation who was stirring the pot. And yet, no one was doing anything about it.

If a situation is chronic, it’s because everybody likes it the way it is more than what it would take to change it.

Dave Ramsey has a no-gossip policy in his business. Gossip is defined as discussing anything negative with someone who can’t help solve the problem. If a team member’s discovered gossiping, they receive one warning. After that, they’re fired. Yes, Dave’s fired people for gossiping and’ll do it again to keep it out of his company.

Rule of Thumb:

If you’re talking to someone who is neither part of the problem nor part of the solution, it’s probably gossip.

If you’re motivated by love and restoration, and speaking to someone who can actually help, it isn’t gossip.

Acid test: after we finish this conversation, what are we going to do to improve the situation? Rehearse and be prepared to ask and answer the question after talking and listening to less-than-complimentary comments about another person, “What are we going to do about the situation? When will we do it?”

Would you like to see the church you attend get vaccinated for protection against the gossip virus? Three steps:

1. Don’t gossip.

Without wood, a fire goes out; without gossip, quarrelling stops. — Proverbs 26:20

2. Don’t listen to gossip.

Without gossiping ears, there’d be no gossiping tongues. If a situation’s chronic, it’s because everybody likes it the way it is more than what it would take to change it.

IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE A SUCCESSFUL OBSCENE CALL

It can happen anytime. In mid-afternoon. Late at night. Even at the dinner table.

You pick up your ringing phone only to be verbally assaulted by a torrent of disgusting obscenities. And the sick mind that placed the call succeeds in sickening you.

Happily, there is something you can do about obscene phone calls. Something that will turn off a sick mind faster than anything else.

Simply hang up.

It takes two to make a successful obscene call. A caller and a listener. In effect, by hanging up, you immediately neutralize the obscene caller.

Law enforcement agencies, together with South Central Bell, are making these risky times for obscene callers. They risk not only their reputations, but a fine and jail sentence, as well.

Someday, obscene phone calls may be entirely eliminated, but until the time comes, the best way to deal with the obscene callers hang-up is to hang up (Bellsouth News, March 1977).

And, to neutralize gossipers – don’t listen to gossip.

3. Look for and use opportunities to say good, wholesome words that’ll build others up and benefit those who listen.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. — Ephesians 4:29

If we stop adding wood to the fire and start building with grace, the church can become a place where conversations bring life, not destruction.

Gossip thrives when courage dies—but where truth is spoken in love, healing begins.

Recent Episodes of Gleaning Mustard Seeds

Episode 69: What preachers wish elders knew about preachers

Episode 66: Elders’ job Description

Episode 67: Elders’ covenant